What Faith Can Do

I grew up in a small family. My mom, dad and brother. We have always been close and still are close. I was given the opportunity growing up to be surrounded by close cousins as well as close family friends. While growing up, I always had this innate maternal instinct I suppose you could say. I remember being asked what I wanted to be when I grew up and I would always answer, "I want to be a mom." I can remember playing house, and with dolls with as a young girl, and babysitting as I got older, all in the hopes and dreams that someday, God would give me that opportunity to fulfill my purpose in life, and be a mom.

Well, when you fast forward to November 22, 2003. Almost 10 years ago, I met my future husband. When you fall in love with someone so young, you can't help but imagine what life would be like if you marry this person. I can remember driving in the car with Barry while we were dating and talking about the future as well as fun baby names that we both liked. It all seemed perfect. It all seemed easy. We just needed love and well, we had plenty. :)

Now if you fast forward a few years later to June 16th, 2007. This would be our wedding day. What a beautiful, sunny, summer day. It was perfect, if that even can encompass the day. We were so overjoyed to finally by saying "I do" and to take the next step in our forever and that would be to start a family. 

We enjoyed almost a year of wedding bliss before finding out that we were in fact expecting our first baby! We were SO surprised and SO overjoyed. I can still feel my heart beat faster just thinking about it. We would be due with our first baby on January 25, 2009! 

The next 9 months were priceless as we reflect back. It was the picture perfect pregnancy. We readied the nursery in all neutral colors as we didn't want to know the sex of the baby until he or she arrived. I remember thinking it was a boy and Barry was thinking girl. Well, on January 3, 2009 we gave birth to our sweet Tanner Lee. He had a full head of brownish red hair and had a cute button nose. Little did we know as I carried Tanner to full term that I had what is called Rh Sensitivity. This rare blood condition causes me to carry a protein on my O- blood that "fights" my O+ baby's blood. When Tanner was born, he was born anemic and very weak. We prayed out to Our Lord to please heal our precious son as we had prayed for this little life to be and we so wanted to enjoy him in this life. 

 He had other plans for Tanner, and our sweet baby went to Heaven on January 4, 2009. This was devasting to Barry and I as a young husband and wife. We held each other through the next year as we prayed for strength and courage to believe that He would answer our wish and our hope and to be a mommy and a daddy again, someday. 

We waited and doctored the next year in preparation of trying to conceive another baby. We doctored with a specialist. This doctor will always hold a very special place in my heart. He was a Godly man, and I know God gave him a hand in all that he did for our Hudson.  With the doctors medical "OK", Barry and I trusted and believed that through medical intervention and help we could try to have another baby. Well, in less than a month after making that leap of faith, we found out that sure enough we were expecting another baby. The emotions that came along with finding out we all over the chart. We were happy, scared, nervous, anxious, ect. But I just remember thinking, " God, You created this life in me and I know You make no mistakes." 

With this second pregnancy we had to visit the specialist weekly. At these visits, the doctor would do an ultra sound of our little one's body and middle cerebral artery and be able to check the velocity of his blood and tell if he was becoming anemic. Amazing, I know.  We knew that since I have this condition, our baby would need very close care to make sure his blood levels were at a "safe level". Well, at the 18 week ultra sound on June 16th, (our anniversary), we were told that his levels were getting in the "unsafe" zone and that we would need to keep a close eye on it and our little tiny baby would need a blood transfusion, in-utero. This is what we endured over the next few weeks. We would give all our worries and fears over to Him, and pray out to Jesus to keep our little Hudson healthy and strong. Well after the 3rd or 4th blood transfusion we traveled down for a routine appointment to find out during a routine ultra sound, that our little Hudson had went home to Heaven. I remember looking at the ultra sound screen, just in complete shock. Praying that I would see a heartbeat. I remember bringing my hands to my chest and doubling over in pain as my heart just broke. I could literally feel my heart breaking. And then I began to think, "now what?" 

The doctors and nurses comforted us as we wept. They were heart broken for us. We then began to make arrangements to get our Hudson Daniel here. I was told I would need to be induced and to deliver him. I was so scared. I had never done this, Tanner was an emergency C-Section. I asked, "Couldn't we please just do a C/S?" They said, "No", that he is only 20 weeks along and so small that it is healthier for your body to deliver him naturally". I prayed again for strength. 

Over the next 3 days, I was in labor. Yes, 3 days. Contractions every few minutes. But with every single pain I felt, I did it for Hudson. I tried to be strong for him. I remember asking for the room to be dim and for all to be quite. I wanted to live in these moments and to savor my last moments with my sweet baby inside of me. We listened to praise and worship music and held each other close. 

After the 3rd day of labor, I had this familiar nurse walk in. She looked at me, and I at her. She said, "Hello Sarah" and I said "How do I know you?" She said, "I was your flight nurse with Tanner, I am so sorry." And she held me and prayed over me. Again, God's hand... 

After no progression in labor, they performed an ultrasound to discover that my uterus was rupturing and Hudson was coming into my abdomen. I was whisked away to an emergency C-Section. When I awoke from surgery, I was able to meet our tiny, perfect Hudson Daniel. We were able to baptize him, and sing to him as well as take many photos. 

After all the hustle and bustle, my doctor came in to visit. He was so sorry. He then proceeded to tell me that my blood condition was very severe, and that we shouldn't try to have any more children as this will continue to happen and probably sooner each time... My heart was broken. My dreams shattered. My one wish, unreachable. 

This all seems so surreal as I type it here on the computer. My face is wet from all the tears I have cried as I type this and my heart is still broken as parts of my heart will always be missing as my boys each took a small piece with them to Heaven. But..... through ALL of this. I have gained a new faith in Christ Jesus. I have never doubted His plan for me, or His timing. I have often thought to myself that He has been molding me and shaping me into who He wants me to be. He has used my life to be an instrument to show others what faith can do. And through all of this, Barry has been there. Our marriage is stronger than ever. We have had to go through more in the first 5 years of marriage than most couples do in a lifetime. And I love him more and in a new way today.

I will blog again soon about how God has answered OUR WISH, in a VERY special way.

Blessings.

Sarah