Just this summer, Barry and I were on a boat ride out in the middle of a Minnesota lake, just him and I. It was beautiful summer day. Calm waters, sunshine, sunflower seeds and my best friend. I remember our conversation while on the water. We were just reflecting on the present chapter of our lives and sharing our happiness that we have felt in this last years time. Oakley has brought us more happiness in his first 14 months, than we could have ever dreamed possible.
I remember asking Barry how others our age have all the material things that they have... Like new cars, new homes, extravagant vacations, new clothes, ect. Not saying that we haven't been blessed with more than we deserve, just was reflecting. And then we began to think about all the "things" that we as a young couple have had to pay for. Being 25 and 26 at the time of this conversation, we had paid for 2 hospital stays while delivering our babies while having to go home with empty arms, bought things to prepare the nursery 3 times, 2 funeral expenses, as well as adopted a miracle baby... and the list just grew with college loans, Dr. bills, ect. It was then, that I just realized how we have just an amazing and giving God who makes all things possible when we cannot fathom how they could possibly work.
From that conversation that day on that small fishing boat, it was humbling to me to know that God made all of this possible. He made all things good as well as healed our broken hearts through it all.
When I also reflect back on those darker days after losing Tanner and Hudson, I remember feeling so many emotions. Mostly there was sadness, emptiness, anger, wonder, frustration....but also thankfulness. I was thankful that God had allowed me to carry those sweet boys in my womb for as long as I could. I understand that some women never get that chance. And I am still thankful for that gift.
But in that same thought, I also can remember my body image. My image during those months of being pregnant were the best days of my life. I loved everything about being pregnant. To this day, to me, there is nothing more beautiful that an expectant mother. But just imagine, your image, when you are suddenly 9 months pregnant and then you have this beautiful baby and you cannot take that baby home with you. You are forced to leave the hospital with empty arms. I have walked that road twice, and it was probably more difficult the second time to be honest.
And now imagine you are forced to resume the everyday life you once had before delivering your baby... My body image was disheartening. I can remember thinking, "I wonder what others think when they see me. I look like I just had a baby, even have a c-section scar, but no one sees me holding a baby..." . I can remember thinking, "Well this pain I feel in my heart will lessen when I just don't "look" this way." I felt that all that joy of seeing and feeling my body changing and growing had been ripped away from me and now I was left with this mess of a body as well as a shattered heart to mend and make complete.
And on the other hand, when we had Oakley, it was the opposite of emotions on my plate as far as body image. Here I had a brand new baby and yet people would ask me daily, "How can you look so good after having a baby just days ago." It was like I was forced to say "That he did not grow under my heart, but in my heart."
Imagine your image and how your emotions can soar with each waking day. I can remember laying in bed those first nights after losing Tanner and praying. I would say my night prayer with my eyes closed. At the end of the prayer, I would whisper into my heart and I felt as though Jesus was there listening. I would ask Him to hold my sweet baby and whisper into his ear and tell him how much I missed him and loved him.
It was then that I started to heal. It was then that my image was transformed. But the transformation wasn't from the outside... it was from the inside.
All along, through this journey of my life, my image I thought was an outward reflection. But I had it totally wrong. It is all about the inside.
Blessings.
Sarah
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