December today. December 3rd to be exact. How can that be? Where did November go? Or October? :) Amazes me how time really does fly. I know I say that often, but I really can't believe it sometimes. To my faithful followers, sorry I have been late on updating this. Yes, all 2 of my followers! ;) With Thanksgiving and family activities, I just didn't find the extra time. But tonight, I am making the time as I find this blog to be very therapeutic and enjoyable for me.
As I begin to type this blog, I am sipping on a cup of coffee. Yes, it is 8:43 pm. And listening to Chris Tomlin. My favorite Christian artist. My baby is asleep and my hubby is catching up on some football. So, this time is just perfect to sit and reflect. :)
The song that I am currently listening to is entitled "Indescribable." As I listen to the words, I secretly pray them into my heart. What does the word indescribable mean I wonder? As I look it up - it means, "not describable, too extraordinary for description."
Too extraordinary for description... as the words from this song play it paints such an amazing picture in my mind and in my heart of Jesus Christ. He is indescribable. He is not describable. He is too extraordinary. What an amazing gift we find in Him. Thank you God for Your precious Son.
This Sunday marked the first Sunday of Advent. The next 4 weeks we are to prepare and ready our minds and our hearts for the birth of the Christ child. How exciting? We have our Advent wreath on our family dinner table with our bible on one side and a daily devotional on the other. We are going to start a new tradition here at our household. We plan to light the candle in the evening and read the daily passage.
I love traditions. I love how they can be instilled as a young child and carried on from generation to generation. Oakley is at such an impressionable age, that I want nothing more than to show through action and word, the love of our Jesus. He smiles every time Barry and I bow our heads and pray. But the most adorable thing he does when we conclude is when he says, "Amen!" with a sparkle in his eye! Melts my heart.
As I watch the world through Oakley's eye's and see that sparkle as he has in them, I try to wave that sparkle into my eyes as well. I want to anticipate Christmas like a child. I want to eagerly await and count down the days. I want it to be special and meaningful. I want it to be about Jesus more now than ever. Don't you?
I want it to be "Indescribable!" :) And I believe it can be! Happy Advent everyone!
Blessings.
Sarah
Monday, December 3, 2012
Sunday, November 18, 2012
For Unto Us...
Does it seem like just yesterday we were planning and preparing to start the holiday season of 2011-2012 and here we are a whole year later...? Time really does fly and I swear it goes faster all the time. As we ready our homes, prepare all the food for parties, and start the gift buying and gift making extravaganzas - it all gets to be so much sometimes that we lose sight of what we are even preparing for...
Just yesterday I came across our saved Christmas letter that we sent out to our family and friends last year. That letter, I have saved on our computer as well as printed out and saved in a special place. That letter holds many emotions and memories to me. A snipit of the letter is as follows:
Warm wishes from our home to yours,
We hope this letter finds you and your loved ones in good health and holiday spirits as we eagerly await this Christmas season for the birth of the Christ child. As it is written in Isaiah 9:6 “For unto us a child is born, unto us a son is given…“And as we sit down to write this letter, our arms and our hearts are warmed with the love from a little miracle. For unto us a child was born, a son was given and we have named him Oakley John. Our prayers were answered in a very special way this year as God had a very special plan for us. Our little Oakley was born August 20, 2011.....
Growing up, I eagerly anticipated receiving letters and pictures from our family and friends. I would read them and re-read them over the holiday season. As a young girl, I would dream about taking that fun Christmas card picture with my future family and write those special letters to send out. Well, after Barry and I got married we sent out our very first picture and letter and it was special. I have also kept that one. But, that was the only one sent until last year. For the last 3 years, I couldn't luster up enough words to write a letter or send a picture of just Barry and I. I so badly wanted that picture to include our family that we longed for.
I can remember those holiday seasons after losing Tanner and Hudson and Barry and I would go to the cemetery where they are buried. And as we drove there, and we would listen to Christmas music such as "Silent Night" or "Away in a Manger", I just would think of my little babies and weep. It never gets easier. And I can remember standing at there grave with snow on the ground and whispering to Barry, "Isn't there a feeling of "being complete" when we come here? We are all together?" After losing our boys, I always felt their presence there at that place and I would feel so calm and whole. Now, I can feel them with me wherever I go. But especially at the holiday time, I felt them there.
Well, last year was so special for Barry and I as we finally got to send out that holiday picture and that letter sharing the good news. The news that a child was born! And a son was given! :) Such a special Christmas it was and always will be. And we are looking forward to this one and the ones to come.
But.... as I type that very paragraph and feel my heart warm from the inside as it is whole now, I can't forget for one instant all the mothers and fathers in waiting or longing; that will long for that baby again at this Christmas season. As the Christmas tunes begin to play in the stores and the gifts begin to be bought, I try and say a special prayer for all those mothers and fathers as they wait their turn. I would invite each and every one of you to do the same this holiday season. As the holiday are so special to each and every one of us, we always need to pray for the others whose hearts are longing for something.
My prayer tonight and for the season ahead is that we will all feel the love of the Christ child in our hearts and in our actions. That we will never forget the true meaning of Christmas and remember that tiny baby Jesus who came to this world to save each and every one of us. My prayer is that all those mothers and fathers will trust in the baby Jesus again this year and that His good news and blessings will surround them in the year to come.
I will end with the last few lines from our Christmas letter from last year...
Blessings.
Sarah
We hope during this blessed season you are surrounded with love and wonder as we anticipate our Christ’s birth. There is no greater love than His, and we have felt His love this blessed year with our little miracle Oakley. May the miracle of Christmas fill your hearts with warmth and love.
Just yesterday I came across our saved Christmas letter that we sent out to our family and friends last year. That letter, I have saved on our computer as well as printed out and saved in a special place. That letter holds many emotions and memories to me. A snipit of the letter is as follows:
Warm wishes from our home to yours,
We hope this letter finds you and your loved ones in good health and holiday spirits as we eagerly await this Christmas season for the birth of the Christ child. As it is written in Isaiah 9:6 “For unto us a child is born, unto us a son is given…“And as we sit down to write this letter, our arms and our hearts are warmed with the love from a little miracle. For unto us a child was born, a son was given and we have named him Oakley John. Our prayers were answered in a very special way this year as God had a very special plan for us. Our little Oakley was born August 20, 2011.....
Growing up, I eagerly anticipated receiving letters and pictures from our family and friends. I would read them and re-read them over the holiday season. As a young girl, I would dream about taking that fun Christmas card picture with my future family and write those special letters to send out. Well, after Barry and I got married we sent out our very first picture and letter and it was special. I have also kept that one. But, that was the only one sent until last year. For the last 3 years, I couldn't luster up enough words to write a letter or send a picture of just Barry and I. I so badly wanted that picture to include our family that we longed for.
I can remember those holiday seasons after losing Tanner and Hudson and Barry and I would go to the cemetery where they are buried. And as we drove there, and we would listen to Christmas music such as "Silent Night" or "Away in a Manger", I just would think of my little babies and weep. It never gets easier. And I can remember standing at there grave with snow on the ground and whispering to Barry, "Isn't there a feeling of "being complete" when we come here? We are all together?" After losing our boys, I always felt their presence there at that place and I would feel so calm and whole. Now, I can feel them with me wherever I go. But especially at the holiday time, I felt them there.
Well, last year was so special for Barry and I as we finally got to send out that holiday picture and that letter sharing the good news. The news that a child was born! And a son was given! :) Such a special Christmas it was and always will be. And we are looking forward to this one and the ones to come.
But.... as I type that very paragraph and feel my heart warm from the inside as it is whole now, I can't forget for one instant all the mothers and fathers in waiting or longing; that will long for that baby again at this Christmas season. As the Christmas tunes begin to play in the stores and the gifts begin to be bought, I try and say a special prayer for all those mothers and fathers as they wait their turn. I would invite each and every one of you to do the same this holiday season. As the holiday are so special to each and every one of us, we always need to pray for the others whose hearts are longing for something.
My prayer tonight and for the season ahead is that we will all feel the love of the Christ child in our hearts and in our actions. That we will never forget the true meaning of Christmas and remember that tiny baby Jesus who came to this world to save each and every one of us. My prayer is that all those mothers and fathers will trust in the baby Jesus again this year and that His good news and blessings will surround them in the year to come.
I will end with the last few lines from our Christmas letter from last year...
Blessings.
Sarah
We hope during this blessed season you are surrounded with love and wonder as we anticipate our Christ’s birth. There is no greater love than His, and we have felt His love this blessed year with our little miracle Oakley. May the miracle of Christmas fill your hearts with warmth and love.
Sunday, November 11, 2012
On the road...
I drive a lot. When I say a lot, I mean every single day. Some days my distance is small, such as 25 miles one way. And other days my distance is big, such as 80 miles one way. I work as a therapist in the school setting. I travel to area schools to offer Occupational Therapy to students. And I have found a great love and joy in driving.
Some may think, "Ugh, I would hate to have to commute to work every single day." But, I have found so many sweet blessings that come along with that part of my job. Let me enlighten you all. The first perk of the commuting is me time. This time is directly entitled to me, myself and I. I have found great joy in that time to reflect on the day and drink my coffee ;). The second perk would be the morning sunrises. Some people never leave their homes during the day and miss out on one of God's first blessings of the day. When I see and feel that warmth from the rising sun, I know that He has blessed us with another day to shine our selves. The third perk would be my endless array of changing scenery. Daily my scenery changes from interstate roads to gravel roads. From cornfields to lakes. From rain to snow. My "office on wheels" has great views! ;) The fourth and biggest perk I would say about my commuting for work would be my time with God. I have found Him to be everywhere I look for Him. He is in the music that I listen to on my radio, the sun that I watch rise, the rain on my windshield, the cow in the pasture, and the leading hand in my every move. Pretty amazing job, huh?
I have found my most healing moments in my life's journey have been on the road. I have cried tears of sadness and wonder. Prayed as I reflected on where He was taking me. Spoke words out loud to God and asked Him many questions as if He was riding in the seat next to me. As well as sang out in worship and prayer. All while in my "office on wheels!" I honestly look forward to that part of my day because it has been such a life changing part to my healing.
I can remember driving on Hwy 25, en route to Willow Lake, SD a couple years back. I can remember distinctly the song that was on the radio. It was "Before The Morning" by Josh Wilson. It happened to be on my morning commute. I can remember hearing it for the first time and thinking that those words were God's words to me. I have found that correlation so much in the music that I tune into daily. Do you do that? It often happens when you are searching for the words to say and then, there they are! I have a goofy memory in the fact that I can hear a song and remember where I was when I heard it, or what I was thinking as I heard it, and so on. And I sometimes think that if I didn't drive so much, I wouldn't get the opportunity to hear so many of these wonderful songs. I often sing songs and drive and almost feel as though those words are my words in prayer. Such a powerful, wonderful thing.
As I count my commuting as a blessing in my daily "job", I also have found another direct companion to that blessing and that is time with God. Do you make time for God? Or do you have time set aside for Him? I have come to realize that my time with God is during that commuting time... As I have illustrated above, it has and is such a blessing and a sweet adventure in my life to know Him and to feel His love and presence in my life. I haven't always made time for Him, or seen that time as important, but through my path and struggles I have found it to be healing, meaningful, wonderful, and gratifying.
Life is busy... Try and take a minute each day and talk to Him. He is there. Waiting. Listening.
Blessings.
Sarah
Some may think, "Ugh, I would hate to have to commute to work every single day." But, I have found so many sweet blessings that come along with that part of my job. Let me enlighten you all. The first perk of the commuting is me time. This time is directly entitled to me, myself and I. I have found great joy in that time to reflect on the day and drink my coffee ;). The second perk would be the morning sunrises. Some people never leave their homes during the day and miss out on one of God's first blessings of the day. When I see and feel that warmth from the rising sun, I know that He has blessed us with another day to shine our selves. The third perk would be my endless array of changing scenery. Daily my scenery changes from interstate roads to gravel roads. From cornfields to lakes. From rain to snow. My "office on wheels" has great views! ;) The fourth and biggest perk I would say about my commuting for work would be my time with God. I have found Him to be everywhere I look for Him. He is in the music that I listen to on my radio, the sun that I watch rise, the rain on my windshield, the cow in the pasture, and the leading hand in my every move. Pretty amazing job, huh?
I have found my most healing moments in my life's journey have been on the road. I have cried tears of sadness and wonder. Prayed as I reflected on where He was taking me. Spoke words out loud to God and asked Him many questions as if He was riding in the seat next to me. As well as sang out in worship and prayer. All while in my "office on wheels!" I honestly look forward to that part of my day because it has been such a life changing part to my healing.
I can remember driving on Hwy 25, en route to Willow Lake, SD a couple years back. I can remember distinctly the song that was on the radio. It was "Before The Morning" by Josh Wilson. It happened to be on my morning commute. I can remember hearing it for the first time and thinking that those words were God's words to me. I have found that correlation so much in the music that I tune into daily. Do you do that? It often happens when you are searching for the words to say and then, there they are! I have a goofy memory in the fact that I can hear a song and remember where I was when I heard it, or what I was thinking as I heard it, and so on. And I sometimes think that if I didn't drive so much, I wouldn't get the opportunity to hear so many of these wonderful songs. I often sing songs and drive and almost feel as though those words are my words in prayer. Such a powerful, wonderful thing.
As I count my commuting as a blessing in my daily "job", I also have found another direct companion to that blessing and that is time with God. Do you make time for God? Or do you have time set aside for Him? I have come to realize that my time with God is during that commuting time... As I have illustrated above, it has and is such a blessing and a sweet adventure in my life to know Him and to feel His love and presence in my life. I haven't always made time for Him, or seen that time as important, but through my path and struggles I have found it to be healing, meaningful, wonderful, and gratifying.
Life is busy... Try and take a minute each day and talk to Him. He is there. Waiting. Listening.
Blessings.
Sarah
Wednesday, November 7, 2012
Our Gift
Dear Oakley,
You are such a gift in our eyes. We loved you before you were even here... We had prayed out to God to bless us with a child to love and you were that miracle and answer to those many prayers. We find it amazing the amount of love we have for you. God sure blessed Mommy and Daddy, in giving you to us.
As we watched you come into this world and take your first breathe, it took our breathe away. We never imagined we could love someone so much, so fast, and so strong. Moments after you were born, we held you close and it was an instant bond. You snuggled right in and we held you close. You are so beautiful inside and out. It was as if "when you were born, you were the missing piece to our puzzle."
You have been such a joy to watch grow and change over the last 14+ months. We have rejoiced in every single milestone! As we eagerly awaited for God to bless us with you, we looked forward to all the "little" moments of being a Mommy and a Daddy to you. We anticipated all the firsts... first bath, first late night feeding, first giggle and coo, first time rolling over, first time sitting up, first time crawling, first taste of baby food, first holiday, first vacation... and so on. We had waited so long for you! We love your little belly laughs and your sweet , 8 toothed grin when you get into something that you think you probably shouldn't have...
We love to watch you and imagine what you thinking. You are so fearless. You are so happy and healthy. You are so easy-going and sweet. You are one of a kind, that is for sure. We feel so honored and blessed for you to call us Mommy and Daddy and we strive everyday to love you more and to speak Jesus' name into your heart as He is the reason we have each other.
Never forget little one how much we love you and are proud to call you our son!
Love,
Mommy and Daddy
You are such a gift in our eyes. We loved you before you were even here... We had prayed out to God to bless us with a child to love and you were that miracle and answer to those many prayers. We find it amazing the amount of love we have for you. God sure blessed Mommy and Daddy, in giving you to us.
As we watched you come into this world and take your first breathe, it took our breathe away. We never imagined we could love someone so much, so fast, and so strong. Moments after you were born, we held you close and it was an instant bond. You snuggled right in and we held you close. You are so beautiful inside and out. It was as if "when you were born, you were the missing piece to our puzzle."
You have been such a joy to watch grow and change over the last 14+ months. We have rejoiced in every single milestone! As we eagerly awaited for God to bless us with you, we looked forward to all the "little" moments of being a Mommy and a Daddy to you. We anticipated all the firsts... first bath, first late night feeding, first giggle and coo, first time rolling over, first time sitting up, first time crawling, first taste of baby food, first holiday, first vacation... and so on. We had waited so long for you! We love your little belly laughs and your sweet , 8 toothed grin when you get into something that you think you probably shouldn't have...
We love to watch you and imagine what you thinking. You are so fearless. You are so happy and healthy. You are so easy-going and sweet. You are one of a kind, that is for sure. We feel so honored and blessed for you to call us Mommy and Daddy and we strive everyday to love you more and to speak Jesus' name into your heart as He is the reason we have each other.
Never forget little one how much we love you and are proud to call you our son!
Love,
Mommy and Daddy
Sunday, November 4, 2012
Prayer. Changes. Me.
As I log into the site here tonight and while I ponder where the Holy Spirit will take us to, all that I can see in my mind and in my heart are three words. Prayer. Changes. Me.
"Therefore, humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt you in due time, casting all your cares upon Him, for He cares for you." 1 Peter 5:6-7
Prayer has become one of the sweetest adventures of my life. I believe with all my heart that prayer really does change things. Prayer has changed me. As I praise God, my burdens are lifted. The burdens themselves may not change, but they're transferred from my shoulders to God's. As I unload my worries and my cares on Him, I can almost sense His presence and strength with me. As I confess my sins, I know He forgives me.
As a woman, who is also a daughter, sister, wife, mother, friend, co-worker, believer... I know that I cannot fullfill all of these roles and fill all of these shoes alone. I rely heavily on Him for guidance and faithfulness. In the big moments as well as the small.
Just recently I was talking to my mom on the telephone and I was in tears. I was emotional at the fact that I sometimes feel as though I am having to read God's mind. Have you ever felt that way? I often become anxious at the fact that expanding our family is so non-traditional. We are not the "norm." We are faced with decisions to make and difficult ones at that. I am okay with not being the "norm", but I often try and sit back and guess where He will take us next. I should say, that with time, prayer, and healing I am okay with not being the "norm." There is anything I would give to be able to have a healthy baby with my husband, naturally. But I am placing my trust in Him, and choosing to believe that He has a plan and a purpose for us.
I explained to my mom that I know that thus far in my life's story that I have not written the story, He has. There has been times that I thought I was writing it, only to find out that I surely wasn't. He was and is.
We talked in detail about the chapters of life we have read and lived thus far. About how amazing they are and how we never would have included all the added details to the story, but now that we have read it and know it, it is all good and makes sense. We reflected on the emotions of when you are in the middle of a chapter and anticipating what is about to come. As well as when you are about to turn a page and to keep your eyes open and your heart eager!
As we ended our phone call that day I prayed. And again, prayer changed me. I had this peace come to me. This peace that I could feel in my heart. It is a peace that I have come to know. I choose to believe that I will cast all my cares over to Him, for He cares for me and will lead us into the next chapter. :) Prayers appreciated always.
Blessings.
Sarah
Sunday, October 28, 2012
Image and Imagine
Just this summer, Barry and I were on a boat ride out in the middle of a Minnesota lake, just him and I. It was beautiful summer day. Calm waters, sunshine, sunflower seeds and my best friend. I remember our conversation while on the water. We were just reflecting on the present chapter of our lives and sharing our happiness that we have felt in this last years time. Oakley has brought us more happiness in his first 14 months, than we could have ever dreamed possible.
I remember asking Barry how others our age have all the material things that they have... Like new cars, new homes, extravagant vacations, new clothes, ect. Not saying that we haven't been blessed with more than we deserve, just was reflecting. And then we began to think about all the "things" that we as a young couple have had to pay for. Being 25 and 26 at the time of this conversation, we had paid for 2 hospital stays while delivering our babies while having to go home with empty arms, bought things to prepare the nursery 3 times, 2 funeral expenses, as well as adopted a miracle baby... and the list just grew with college loans, Dr. bills, ect. It was then, that I just realized how we have just an amazing and giving God who makes all things possible when we cannot fathom how they could possibly work.
From that conversation that day on that small fishing boat, it was humbling to me to know that God made all of this possible. He made all things good as well as healed our broken hearts through it all.
When I also reflect back on those darker days after losing Tanner and Hudson, I remember feeling so many emotions. Mostly there was sadness, emptiness, anger, wonder, frustration....but also thankfulness. I was thankful that God had allowed me to carry those sweet boys in my womb for as long as I could. I understand that some women never get that chance. And I am still thankful for that gift.
But in that same thought, I also can remember my body image. My image during those months of being pregnant were the best days of my life. I loved everything about being pregnant. To this day, to me, there is nothing more beautiful that an expectant mother. But just imagine, your image, when you are suddenly 9 months pregnant and then you have this beautiful baby and you cannot take that baby home with you. You are forced to leave the hospital with empty arms. I have walked that road twice, and it was probably more difficult the second time to be honest.
And now imagine you are forced to resume the everyday life you once had before delivering your baby... My body image was disheartening. I can remember thinking, "I wonder what others think when they see me. I look like I just had a baby, even have a c-section scar, but no one sees me holding a baby..." . I can remember thinking, "Well this pain I feel in my heart will lessen when I just don't "look" this way." I felt that all that joy of seeing and feeling my body changing and growing had been ripped away from me and now I was left with this mess of a body as well as a shattered heart to mend and make complete.
And on the other hand, when we had Oakley, it was the opposite of emotions on my plate as far as body image. Here I had a brand new baby and yet people would ask me daily, "How can you look so good after having a baby just days ago." It was like I was forced to say "That he did not grow under my heart, but in my heart."
Imagine your image and how your emotions can soar with each waking day. I can remember laying in bed those first nights after losing Tanner and praying. I would say my night prayer with my eyes closed. At the end of the prayer, I would whisper into my heart and I felt as though Jesus was there listening. I would ask Him to hold my sweet baby and whisper into his ear and tell him how much I missed him and loved him.
It was then that I started to heal. It was then that my image was transformed. But the transformation wasn't from the outside... it was from the inside.
All along, through this journey of my life, my image I thought was an outward reflection. But I had it totally wrong. It is all about the inside.
Blessings.
Sarah
I remember asking Barry how others our age have all the material things that they have... Like new cars, new homes, extravagant vacations, new clothes, ect. Not saying that we haven't been blessed with more than we deserve, just was reflecting. And then we began to think about all the "things" that we as a young couple have had to pay for. Being 25 and 26 at the time of this conversation, we had paid for 2 hospital stays while delivering our babies while having to go home with empty arms, bought things to prepare the nursery 3 times, 2 funeral expenses, as well as adopted a miracle baby... and the list just grew with college loans, Dr. bills, ect. It was then, that I just realized how we have just an amazing and giving God who makes all things possible when we cannot fathom how they could possibly work.
From that conversation that day on that small fishing boat, it was humbling to me to know that God made all of this possible. He made all things good as well as healed our broken hearts through it all.
When I also reflect back on those darker days after losing Tanner and Hudson, I remember feeling so many emotions. Mostly there was sadness, emptiness, anger, wonder, frustration....but also thankfulness. I was thankful that God had allowed me to carry those sweet boys in my womb for as long as I could. I understand that some women never get that chance. And I am still thankful for that gift.
But in that same thought, I also can remember my body image. My image during those months of being pregnant were the best days of my life. I loved everything about being pregnant. To this day, to me, there is nothing more beautiful that an expectant mother. But just imagine, your image, when you are suddenly 9 months pregnant and then you have this beautiful baby and you cannot take that baby home with you. You are forced to leave the hospital with empty arms. I have walked that road twice, and it was probably more difficult the second time to be honest.
And now imagine you are forced to resume the everyday life you once had before delivering your baby... My body image was disheartening. I can remember thinking, "I wonder what others think when they see me. I look like I just had a baby, even have a c-section scar, but no one sees me holding a baby..." . I can remember thinking, "Well this pain I feel in my heart will lessen when I just don't "look" this way." I felt that all that joy of seeing and feeling my body changing and growing had been ripped away from me and now I was left with this mess of a body as well as a shattered heart to mend and make complete.
And on the other hand, when we had Oakley, it was the opposite of emotions on my plate as far as body image. Here I had a brand new baby and yet people would ask me daily, "How can you look so good after having a baby just days ago." It was like I was forced to say "That he did not grow under my heart, but in my heart."
Imagine your image and how your emotions can soar with each waking day. I can remember laying in bed those first nights after losing Tanner and praying. I would say my night prayer with my eyes closed. At the end of the prayer, I would whisper into my heart and I felt as though Jesus was there listening. I would ask Him to hold my sweet baby and whisper into his ear and tell him how much I missed him and loved him.
It was then that I started to heal. It was then that my image was transformed. But the transformation wasn't from the outside... it was from the inside.
All along, through this journey of my life, my image I thought was an outward reflection. But I had it totally wrong. It is all about the inside.
Blessings.
Sarah
Sunday, October 21, 2012
A Lesson In Faith
I would like to begin with a verse I find comforting and true to my life.
"My strength is made perfect in weakness." - 2 Corinthians 12:9
This past weekend my mom and I traveled to St. Paul, MN to attend a Women of Faith conference. We had both attended this conference last year and had such an amazing experience, that we made it a priority to go again this year. What a wonderful weekend it was! I am so blessed to have such a role model of a mom and also so fortunate to call her my closest friend. :)
While at the conference, I had so much on my heart and mind just reflecting back on my life and the paths I have traveled down. The weekend was filled with praise and worship music, ballet type dancing, heart felt amazing speakers, laughing, crying, and the list goes on and on... But what I kept thinking was, "Wow, 10,000+ women together in one place all for ONE reason. To sing, feel, and know Christ Jesus." So amazing it gives me chills. In this arena, that often has music concerts, sporting events, ect ...
As I sat and listened to the speakers, I loved them all. I honestly was touched my each one. But one inparticuar really touched me. She was at Women of Faith last year and I knew she would be coming back and I was so excited to hear her again. Her name is Angie Smith. If you have never heard of her, you need to. She has such a way about her that when she speaks and shares her story, it is from her inner most being and it feels like she is talking only to you. I just love listening to her.
Last year when she spoke, it was her first year on tour with WOF. She did a wonderful job and I immediately ran out and bought her book, "I Will Carry You." Last year, when I went out to the book sale I was holding the book and reading the back when another woman walked up and grabbed the same book and was looking at it also. My mom said to me, "She looks so familiar." I said, "Yes, she does." As we looked at each other we remembered, once again. It was my nurse from Sanford. Again, God would bring us together. We looked at each other and remembered all over again. Here we were crossing paths again, and I know God meant for us to meet. It was special, to say the least. We hugged and she asked, "How have you been?" I shared with her pictures of our sweet new baby Oakley. She was so happy for us. It was pretty amazing to run into such a special person.
Well, this year Angie's message hit home for me a few more ways. If you want to know her whole story you should check out her book, or you can You Tube her. But, we have something in common and that is the loss of a child. Angie and her husband Todd lost their beautiful baby girl Audrey. She shares her story in her book, "I Will Carry You." It's a must read.
Well, this year she talked about having a relationship with God. "That in life, when you are standing on the shore - we tend to know God, but when life is at its most difficult times - and we are in the ocean and in very deep... that is when we feel God." That is so true. I feel as though all my life I have known God to be around me, in front of me, beside me, above me, below me.... but NOW he is IN me. He is WITH me ALL the time.
As Angie spoke, she said "I know I am not alone when I share my story." She continued to share that when her Audrey was born, that she was told she wouldn't weigh very much as she wasn't growing like a "typical" baby would. Well, when Audrey was born, she weighed over 3 pounds. :) She said, "All I could think of was, my baby girl had weight in this world." How true. That was so touching to me. She then said, "If you feel so inclined to do so... If you have lost a baby, would you please stand up?" We want to pray for you and thank you for your children. That your beautiful babies also had weight in this world."
I was nervous, but I did it. I stood up. It was pretty intense to look around. There were hundreds of other women all standing there with tears rolling down. So amazing and heartfelt as we all had this in common. We never walk alone. We all have been down this path and we all know and love Him. He brought us all together. That is all I could think.
I believe the path my life has taken, has really brought me closer to God and I am eternally grateful. I often wonder who I would be today, if God had planned things differently. If I would love priase and worship music so much? If I would value my family as much? If I would be the kind of mom I am today? If I would ever have wanted to attend a Women of Faith conference? If I would pray and know Him on a first name basis? So many questions and thoughts... but in the end, I wouldn't change a thing from my story. It all has shaped me into who I am today.
I would give anything to have Tanner and Hudson here today to hold and kiss and watch grow before my eyes, but I believe and trust that God makes no mistakes and that we will be with one another in eternity. When I get to Heaven and see Jesus face to face, I will say to him.. "I hope I did alright?" And I hope he tells me, "You did." Then I will say, "Where are they?" and we will be together finally and forever. :)
Blessings.
Sarah
"My strength is made perfect in weakness." - 2 Corinthians 12:9
This past weekend my mom and I traveled to St. Paul, MN to attend a Women of Faith conference. We had both attended this conference last year and had such an amazing experience, that we made it a priority to go again this year. What a wonderful weekend it was! I am so blessed to have such a role model of a mom and also so fortunate to call her my closest friend. :)
While at the conference, I had so much on my heart and mind just reflecting back on my life and the paths I have traveled down. The weekend was filled with praise and worship music, ballet type dancing, heart felt amazing speakers, laughing, crying, and the list goes on and on... But what I kept thinking was, "Wow, 10,000+ women together in one place all for ONE reason. To sing, feel, and know Christ Jesus." So amazing it gives me chills. In this arena, that often has music concerts, sporting events, ect ...
As I sat and listened to the speakers, I loved them all. I honestly was touched my each one. But one inparticuar really touched me. She was at Women of Faith last year and I knew she would be coming back and I was so excited to hear her again. Her name is Angie Smith. If you have never heard of her, you need to. She has such a way about her that when she speaks and shares her story, it is from her inner most being and it feels like she is talking only to you. I just love listening to her.
Last year when she spoke, it was her first year on tour with WOF. She did a wonderful job and I immediately ran out and bought her book, "I Will Carry You." Last year, when I went out to the book sale I was holding the book and reading the back when another woman walked up and grabbed the same book and was looking at it also. My mom said to me, "She looks so familiar." I said, "Yes, she does." As we looked at each other we remembered, once again. It was my nurse from Sanford. Again, God would bring us together. We looked at each other and remembered all over again. Here we were crossing paths again, and I know God meant for us to meet. It was special, to say the least. We hugged and she asked, "How have you been?" I shared with her pictures of our sweet new baby Oakley. She was so happy for us. It was pretty amazing to run into such a special person.
Well, this year Angie's message hit home for me a few more ways. If you want to know her whole story you should check out her book, or you can You Tube her. But, we have something in common and that is the loss of a child. Angie and her husband Todd lost their beautiful baby girl Audrey. She shares her story in her book, "I Will Carry You." It's a must read.
Well, this year she talked about having a relationship with God. "That in life, when you are standing on the shore - we tend to know God, but when life is at its most difficult times - and we are in the ocean and in very deep... that is when we feel God." That is so true. I feel as though all my life I have known God to be around me, in front of me, beside me, above me, below me.... but NOW he is IN me. He is WITH me ALL the time.
As Angie spoke, she said "I know I am not alone when I share my story." She continued to share that when her Audrey was born, that she was told she wouldn't weigh very much as she wasn't growing like a "typical" baby would. Well, when Audrey was born, she weighed over 3 pounds. :) She said, "All I could think of was, my baby girl had weight in this world." How true. That was so touching to me. She then said, "If you feel so inclined to do so... If you have lost a baby, would you please stand up?" We want to pray for you and thank you for your children. That your beautiful babies also had weight in this world."
I was nervous, but I did it. I stood up. It was pretty intense to look around. There were hundreds of other women all standing there with tears rolling down. So amazing and heartfelt as we all had this in common. We never walk alone. We all have been down this path and we all know and love Him. He brought us all together. That is all I could think.
I believe the path my life has taken, has really brought me closer to God and I am eternally grateful. I often wonder who I would be today, if God had planned things differently. If I would love priase and worship music so much? If I would value my family as much? If I would be the kind of mom I am today? If I would ever have wanted to attend a Women of Faith conference? If I would pray and know Him on a first name basis? So many questions and thoughts... but in the end, I wouldn't change a thing from my story. It all has shaped me into who I am today.
I would give anything to have Tanner and Hudson here today to hold and kiss and watch grow before my eyes, but I believe and trust that God makes no mistakes and that we will be with one another in eternity. When I get to Heaven and see Jesus face to face, I will say to him.. "I hope I did alright?" And I hope he tells me, "You did." Then I will say, "Where are they?" and we will be together finally and forever. :)
Blessings.
Sarah
Sunday, October 14, 2012
I Have Been Praying For You
After we lost our little Hudson Daniel our world was shaken. We honestly did not know where to turn but to one another. We grieved not only for the loss of our second precious son, but for the loss of our future of creating our family. We tried not to ask God "Why?" or "Why us again?" but rather "For what purpose?" We were waiting and praying that God would reveal himself to us.
During that next year we contemplated and researched our options but really did not know where to begin. It is a hard decision when you are faced to choose an "option" when you are just choosing to have a child to love. Our "options" were and still are adoption, gestational carrier, or embryo adoption. With all three of these "options", the end result is a child for us to love and to call our own and that is all we ever wanted. We couldn't decide where to turn but to God and so we just prayed, waited, and kept the hope alive.
Well, our next chapter began on July 22, 2011. Just over a year after we lost Hudson. It was a Friday. We had made plans to have supper with some friends of ours and I spent the afternoon in the garden picking green beans and fresh peas to go with our meal. It was a day that I didn't work and so I hadn't showered til later in the afternoon. I decided at about 4:00 pm that I would hop in the shower to get ready for the evening. While in the shower, my cell phone rang about 6 times. I quickly dried off and got out to see that my mom had called and Barry had called multiple times. I called Barry first. He said "Did you talk to your mom?" I said, "No, why?" wondering "Oh no, is everything ok?" He said, "I think you better give her a call." I hung up and called her right away.
When she picked up she could barely speak. She said, "Sweetie, I have something to tell you. I just had the most amazing yet most unbelievable phone call." I said, "Oh ya?!" She continued to tell me that someone, that knew someone, that knew someone... knew of Barry and my story and our struggle to have a family and wanted to know if we would be at all interested in adopting a baby?" I couldn't speak. This was just a dream, right? She continued to tell me the little information that she knew and that the birth mom had heard of our story and had already "chosen" us without even meeting us. I couldn't believe what she was telling me. I said, "YES!"
She also said that the baby was due on August 21!! I said, "Like in 4 weeks?! She said, "Yes." I said "Oh my, can this work? What do we need to do? Who do we contact?" She said, "I called Barry right after I called you the first time and told him too". I said, "Call whoever called you and tell them, YES!" She hung up and said I will call you back in a few minutes.
Those next minutes felt like hours. Barry came home and we both just looked at one another in complete shock. You see, Barry and I hadn't done anything yet to make the move on adopting a baby, nor had we started the process. We knew that in order to adopt a baby you needed to have back-ground checks, fingerprints, financial studies, home studies, ect. We began to ask each other questions... "Is this for real?" ,"Are we ready?", "Will the birth mom change her mind?" and so on.
My mom called back a few minutes later. And in the mean time, she had contacted an adoption agency to ask them questions as we had no idea the legalities of this unknown. The agency assured us that this could be done and what we all needed to complete, in order for the process to go smoothly. My mom and dad called us on speaker phone as we all just cried happy and nervous tears. We were SO amazed that God was revealing His plan to us, but had no idea it would be this BIG or this amazing! :)
That night the birth mom had received our phone number and a message telling her that we had said "Yes?" and that we would love to visit with her on the phone if she so chose. That evening she called. It was like an angel speaking on the other line. After we said our "Hello's," I couldn't think of anything else to say to get the conversation going but, "I have been praying for you." As soon as we heard word of the possibility of this miracle baby, I began to pray. I prayed for her mind to be at peace. I prayed for the unborn baby to be healthy and strong. I prayed for her heart as I was sure it was struggling with this decision. I prayed that Barry and I would make good parents. I prayed this was real and true. I just prayed.
We began to talk and it was so natural. She started off by saying that she was due in 4 weeks. She shared that her pregnancy was going smoothly and that the baby was healthy and strong. She then shared that the baby's gender was a boy! She shared that she would like us to be at the birth and that we could name the baby. She asked us a few questions, but really she was just as relieved to have found us. On the very first phone call, she would refer to Barry as the little one's "Dad" and myself as the little one's "Mom. It felt like a dream.
She stated that her mind was 100% made up and she promised she wouldn't change her mind. She said, " I have heard of your story and I am so sorry. You two have been through enough already, that I won't change my mind and make you suffer anymore." We couldn't believe what we were hearing. She was making this too easy. She was saying all the things that we were hoping to hear to make this feel real. We made arrangements to get the process going and said we would be in contact over the next few weeks.
As we hung up the phone, Barry and I held each other. We cried and prayed. We talked all night about what had just happened. We researched all that we needed to do and became nervous as this was all happening so quickly. We were trying to wrap our minds around what was about to happen. Amazingly, we were calm throughout the next weeks. God calmed and readied our hearts and our minds as He knew this was just what we had hoped and prayed for.
We really truly believe that God created this little life for us. And that He had a hand in all of this and had orchestrated it so wonderfully, that Barry and I were in awe. We were in awe that we were finally going to have a little one to love. We were in true amazement of this wonderful answer to our prayers.
Over the next weeks we were busy! We cleared out the office and chose paint colors. We set up the crib and changing table and bought the necessitates.We got out the name books and studied them trying to find the "perfect" name. We both really loved the name Oakley. We chose the name and said his name as we waited eagerly to meet him.We told our close family our news. They were just in shock as we were when we told them how soon our little one would be arriving. It was such a special time.
The next 4 weeks flew by as we reflect back. We were busy and I think God planned it that way to calm our hearts and our minds. He had this all under control, He was busy making our dreams come a reality.
Our little miracle baby arrived on August 20th, 2011. We named him Oakley John. He is sure a special blessing to us, and we are still thanking God for his many blessings.
I will blog again soon about his arrival and about how life is today!
Blessings.
Sarah
During that next year we contemplated and researched our options but really did not know where to begin. It is a hard decision when you are faced to choose an "option" when you are just choosing to have a child to love. Our "options" were and still are adoption, gestational carrier, or embryo adoption. With all three of these "options", the end result is a child for us to love and to call our own and that is all we ever wanted. We couldn't decide where to turn but to God and so we just prayed, waited, and kept the hope alive.
Well, our next chapter began on July 22, 2011. Just over a year after we lost Hudson. It was a Friday. We had made plans to have supper with some friends of ours and I spent the afternoon in the garden picking green beans and fresh peas to go with our meal. It was a day that I didn't work and so I hadn't showered til later in the afternoon. I decided at about 4:00 pm that I would hop in the shower to get ready for the evening. While in the shower, my cell phone rang about 6 times. I quickly dried off and got out to see that my mom had called and Barry had called multiple times. I called Barry first. He said "Did you talk to your mom?" I said, "No, why?" wondering "Oh no, is everything ok?" He said, "I think you better give her a call." I hung up and called her right away.
When she picked up she could barely speak. She said, "Sweetie, I have something to tell you. I just had the most amazing yet most unbelievable phone call." I said, "Oh ya?!" She continued to tell me that someone, that knew someone, that knew someone... knew of Barry and my story and our struggle to have a family and wanted to know if we would be at all interested in adopting a baby?" I couldn't speak. This was just a dream, right? She continued to tell me the little information that she knew and that the birth mom had heard of our story and had already "chosen" us without even meeting us. I couldn't believe what she was telling me. I said, "YES!"
She also said that the baby was due on August 21!! I said, "Like in 4 weeks?! She said, "Yes." I said "Oh my, can this work? What do we need to do? Who do we contact?" She said, "I called Barry right after I called you the first time and told him too". I said, "Call whoever called you and tell them, YES!" She hung up and said I will call you back in a few minutes.
Those next minutes felt like hours. Barry came home and we both just looked at one another in complete shock. You see, Barry and I hadn't done anything yet to make the move on adopting a baby, nor had we started the process. We knew that in order to adopt a baby you needed to have back-ground checks, fingerprints, financial studies, home studies, ect. We began to ask each other questions... "Is this for real?" ,"Are we ready?", "Will the birth mom change her mind?" and so on.
My mom called back a few minutes later. And in the mean time, she had contacted an adoption agency to ask them questions as we had no idea the legalities of this unknown. The agency assured us that this could be done and what we all needed to complete, in order for the process to go smoothly. My mom and dad called us on speaker phone as we all just cried happy and nervous tears. We were SO amazed that God was revealing His plan to us, but had no idea it would be this BIG or this amazing! :)
That night the birth mom had received our phone number and a message telling her that we had said "Yes?" and that we would love to visit with her on the phone if she so chose. That evening she called. It was like an angel speaking on the other line. After we said our "Hello's," I couldn't think of anything else to say to get the conversation going but, "I have been praying for you." As soon as we heard word of the possibility of this miracle baby, I began to pray. I prayed for her mind to be at peace. I prayed for the unborn baby to be healthy and strong. I prayed for her heart as I was sure it was struggling with this decision. I prayed that Barry and I would make good parents. I prayed this was real and true. I just prayed.
We began to talk and it was so natural. She started off by saying that she was due in 4 weeks. She shared that her pregnancy was going smoothly and that the baby was healthy and strong. She then shared that the baby's gender was a boy! She shared that she would like us to be at the birth and that we could name the baby. She asked us a few questions, but really she was just as relieved to have found us. On the very first phone call, she would refer to Barry as the little one's "Dad" and myself as the little one's "Mom. It felt like a dream.
She stated that her mind was 100% made up and she promised she wouldn't change her mind. She said, " I have heard of your story and I am so sorry. You two have been through enough already, that I won't change my mind and make you suffer anymore." We couldn't believe what we were hearing. She was making this too easy. She was saying all the things that we were hoping to hear to make this feel real. We made arrangements to get the process going and said we would be in contact over the next few weeks.
As we hung up the phone, Barry and I held each other. We cried and prayed. We talked all night about what had just happened. We researched all that we needed to do and became nervous as this was all happening so quickly. We were trying to wrap our minds around what was about to happen. Amazingly, we were calm throughout the next weeks. God calmed and readied our hearts and our minds as He knew this was just what we had hoped and prayed for.
We really truly believe that God created this little life for us. And that He had a hand in all of this and had orchestrated it so wonderfully, that Barry and I were in awe. We were in awe that we were finally going to have a little one to love. We were in true amazement of this wonderful answer to our prayers.
Over the next weeks we were busy! We cleared out the office and chose paint colors. We set up the crib and changing table and bought the necessitates.We got out the name books and studied them trying to find the "perfect" name. We both really loved the name Oakley. We chose the name and said his name as we waited eagerly to meet him.We told our close family our news. They were just in shock as we were when we told them how soon our little one would be arriving. It was such a special time.
The next 4 weeks flew by as we reflect back. We were busy and I think God planned it that way to calm our hearts and our minds. He had this all under control, He was busy making our dreams come a reality.
Our little miracle baby arrived on August 20th, 2011. We named him Oakley John. He is sure a special blessing to us, and we are still thanking God for his many blessings.
I will blog again soon about his arrival and about how life is today!
Blessings.
Sarah
Monday, October 8, 2012
What Faith Can Do
I grew up in a small family. My mom, dad and brother. We have always been close and still are close. I was given the opportunity growing up to be surrounded by close cousins as well as close family friends. While growing up, I always had this innate maternal instinct I suppose you could say. I remember being asked what I wanted to be when I grew up and I would always answer, "I want to be a mom." I can remember playing house, and with dolls with as a young girl, and babysitting as I got older, all in the hopes and dreams that someday, God would give me that opportunity to fulfill my purpose in life, and be a mom.
Well, when you fast forward to November 22, 2003. Almost 10 years ago, I met my future husband. When you fall in love with someone so young, you can't help but imagine what life would be like if you marry this person. I can remember driving in the car with Barry while we were dating and talking about the future as well as fun baby names that we both liked. It all seemed perfect. It all seemed easy. We just needed love and well, we had plenty. :)
Now if you fast forward a few years later to June 16th, 2007. This would be our wedding day. What a beautiful, sunny, summer day. It was perfect, if that even can encompass the day. We were so overjoyed to finally by saying "I do" and to take the next step in our forever and that would be to start a family.
We enjoyed almost a year of wedding bliss before finding out that we were in fact expecting our first baby! We were SO surprised and SO overjoyed. I can still feel my heart beat faster just thinking about it. We would be due with our first baby on January 25, 2009!
The next 9 months were priceless as we reflect back. It was the picture perfect pregnancy. We readied the nursery in all neutral colors as we didn't want to know the sex of the baby until he or she arrived. I remember thinking it was a boy and Barry was thinking girl. Well, on January 3, 2009 we gave birth to our sweet Tanner Lee. He had a full head of brownish red hair and had a cute button nose. Little did we know as I carried Tanner to full term that I had what is called Rh Sensitivity. This rare blood condition causes me to carry a protein on my O- blood that "fights" my O+ baby's blood. When Tanner was born, he was born anemic and very weak. We prayed out to Our Lord to please heal our precious son as we had prayed for this little life to be and we so wanted to enjoy him in this life.
He had other plans for Tanner, and our sweet baby went to Heaven on January 4, 2009. This was devasting to Barry and I as a young husband and wife. We held each other through the next year as we prayed for strength and courage to believe that He would answer our wish and our hope and to be a mommy and a daddy again, someday.
We waited and doctored the next year in preparation of trying to conceive another baby. We doctored with a specialist. This doctor will always hold a very special place in my heart. He was a Godly man, and I know God gave him a hand in all that he did for our Hudson. With the doctors medical "OK", Barry and I trusted and believed that through medical intervention and help we could try to have another baby. Well, in less than a month after making that leap of faith, we found out that sure enough we were expecting another baby. The emotions that came along with finding out we all over the chart. We were happy, scared, nervous, anxious, ect. But I just remember thinking, " God, You created this life in me and I know You make no mistakes."
With this second pregnancy we had to visit the specialist weekly. At these visits, the doctor would do an ultra sound of our little one's body and middle cerebral artery and be able to check the velocity of his blood and tell if he was becoming anemic. Amazing, I know. We knew that since I have this condition, our baby would need very close care to make sure his blood levels were at a "safe level". Well, at the 18 week ultra sound on June 16th, (our anniversary), we were told that his levels were getting in the "unsafe" zone and that we would need to keep a close eye on it and our little tiny baby would need a blood transfusion, in-utero. This is what we endured over the next few weeks. We would give all our worries and fears over to Him, and pray out to Jesus to keep our little Hudson healthy and strong. Well after the 3rd or 4th blood transfusion we traveled down for a routine appointment to find out during a routine ultra sound, that our little Hudson had went home to Heaven. I remember looking at the ultra sound screen, just in complete shock. Praying that I would see a heartbeat. I remember bringing my hands to my chest and doubling over in pain as my heart just broke. I could literally feel my heart breaking. And then I began to think, "now what?"
The doctors and nurses comforted us as we wept. They were heart broken for us. We then began to make arrangements to get our Hudson Daniel here. I was told I would need to be induced and to deliver him. I was so scared. I had never done this, Tanner was an emergency C-Section. I asked, "Couldn't we please just do a C/S?" They said, "No", that he is only 20 weeks along and so small that it is healthier for your body to deliver him naturally". I prayed again for strength.
Over the next 3 days, I was in labor. Yes, 3 days. Contractions every few minutes. But with every single pain I felt, I did it for Hudson. I tried to be strong for him. I remember asking for the room to be dim and for all to be quite. I wanted to live in these moments and to savor my last moments with my sweet baby inside of me. We listened to praise and worship music and held each other close.
After the 3rd day of labor, I had this familiar nurse walk in. She looked at me, and I at her. She said, "Hello Sarah" and I said "How do I know you?" She said, "I was your flight nurse with Tanner, I am so sorry." And she held me and prayed over me. Again, God's hand...
After no progression in labor, they performed an ultrasound to discover that my uterus was rupturing and Hudson was coming into my abdomen. I was whisked away to an emergency C-Section. When I awoke from surgery, I was able to meet our tiny, perfect Hudson Daniel. We were able to baptize him, and sing to him as well as take many photos.
After all the hustle and bustle, my doctor came in to visit. He was so sorry. He then proceeded to tell me that my blood condition was very severe, and that we shouldn't try to have any more children as this will continue to happen and probably sooner each time... My heart was broken. My dreams shattered. My one wish, unreachable.
This all seems so surreal as I type it here on the computer. My face is wet from all the tears I have cried as I type this and my heart is still broken as parts of my heart will always be missing as my boys each took a small piece with them to Heaven. But..... through ALL of this. I have gained a new faith in Christ Jesus. I have never doubted His plan for me, or His timing. I have often thought to myself that He has been molding me and shaping me into who He wants me to be. He has used my life to be an instrument to show others what faith can do. And through all of this, Barry has been there. Our marriage is stronger than ever. We have had to go through more in the first 5 years of marriage than most couples do in a lifetime. And I love him more and in a new way today.
I will blog again soon about how God has answered OUR WISH, in a VERY special way.
Blessings.
Sarah
Well, when you fast forward to November 22, 2003. Almost 10 years ago, I met my future husband. When you fall in love with someone so young, you can't help but imagine what life would be like if you marry this person. I can remember driving in the car with Barry while we were dating and talking about the future as well as fun baby names that we both liked. It all seemed perfect. It all seemed easy. We just needed love and well, we had plenty. :)
Now if you fast forward a few years later to June 16th, 2007. This would be our wedding day. What a beautiful, sunny, summer day. It was perfect, if that even can encompass the day. We were so overjoyed to finally by saying "I do" and to take the next step in our forever and that would be to start a family.
We enjoyed almost a year of wedding bliss before finding out that we were in fact expecting our first baby! We were SO surprised and SO overjoyed. I can still feel my heart beat faster just thinking about it. We would be due with our first baby on January 25, 2009!
The next 9 months were priceless as we reflect back. It was the picture perfect pregnancy. We readied the nursery in all neutral colors as we didn't want to know the sex of the baby until he or she arrived. I remember thinking it was a boy and Barry was thinking girl. Well, on January 3, 2009 we gave birth to our sweet Tanner Lee. He had a full head of brownish red hair and had a cute button nose. Little did we know as I carried Tanner to full term that I had what is called Rh Sensitivity. This rare blood condition causes me to carry a protein on my O- blood that "fights" my O+ baby's blood. When Tanner was born, he was born anemic and very weak. We prayed out to Our Lord to please heal our precious son as we had prayed for this little life to be and we so wanted to enjoy him in this life.
He had other plans for Tanner, and our sweet baby went to Heaven on January 4, 2009. This was devasting to Barry and I as a young husband and wife. We held each other through the next year as we prayed for strength and courage to believe that He would answer our wish and our hope and to be a mommy and a daddy again, someday.
We waited and doctored the next year in preparation of trying to conceive another baby. We doctored with a specialist. This doctor will always hold a very special place in my heart. He was a Godly man, and I know God gave him a hand in all that he did for our Hudson. With the doctors medical "OK", Barry and I trusted and believed that through medical intervention and help we could try to have another baby. Well, in less than a month after making that leap of faith, we found out that sure enough we were expecting another baby. The emotions that came along with finding out we all over the chart. We were happy, scared, nervous, anxious, ect. But I just remember thinking, " God, You created this life in me and I know You make no mistakes."
With this second pregnancy we had to visit the specialist weekly. At these visits, the doctor would do an ultra sound of our little one's body and middle cerebral artery and be able to check the velocity of his blood and tell if he was becoming anemic. Amazing, I know. We knew that since I have this condition, our baby would need very close care to make sure his blood levels were at a "safe level". Well, at the 18 week ultra sound on June 16th, (our anniversary), we were told that his levels were getting in the "unsafe" zone and that we would need to keep a close eye on it and our little tiny baby would need a blood transfusion, in-utero. This is what we endured over the next few weeks. We would give all our worries and fears over to Him, and pray out to Jesus to keep our little Hudson healthy and strong. Well after the 3rd or 4th blood transfusion we traveled down for a routine appointment to find out during a routine ultra sound, that our little Hudson had went home to Heaven. I remember looking at the ultra sound screen, just in complete shock. Praying that I would see a heartbeat. I remember bringing my hands to my chest and doubling over in pain as my heart just broke. I could literally feel my heart breaking. And then I began to think, "now what?"
The doctors and nurses comforted us as we wept. They were heart broken for us. We then began to make arrangements to get our Hudson Daniel here. I was told I would need to be induced and to deliver him. I was so scared. I had never done this, Tanner was an emergency C-Section. I asked, "Couldn't we please just do a C/S?" They said, "No", that he is only 20 weeks along and so small that it is healthier for your body to deliver him naturally". I prayed again for strength.
Over the next 3 days, I was in labor. Yes, 3 days. Contractions every few minutes. But with every single pain I felt, I did it for Hudson. I tried to be strong for him. I remember asking for the room to be dim and for all to be quite. I wanted to live in these moments and to savor my last moments with my sweet baby inside of me. We listened to praise and worship music and held each other close.
After the 3rd day of labor, I had this familiar nurse walk in. She looked at me, and I at her. She said, "Hello Sarah" and I said "How do I know you?" She said, "I was your flight nurse with Tanner, I am so sorry." And she held me and prayed over me. Again, God's hand...
After no progression in labor, they performed an ultrasound to discover that my uterus was rupturing and Hudson was coming into my abdomen. I was whisked away to an emergency C-Section. When I awoke from surgery, I was able to meet our tiny, perfect Hudson Daniel. We were able to baptize him, and sing to him as well as take many photos.
After all the hustle and bustle, my doctor came in to visit. He was so sorry. He then proceeded to tell me that my blood condition was very severe, and that we shouldn't try to have any more children as this will continue to happen and probably sooner each time... My heart was broken. My dreams shattered. My one wish, unreachable.
This all seems so surreal as I type it here on the computer. My face is wet from all the tears I have cried as I type this and my heart is still broken as parts of my heart will always be missing as my boys each took a small piece with them to Heaven. But..... through ALL of this. I have gained a new faith in Christ Jesus. I have never doubted His plan for me, or His timing. I have often thought to myself that He has been molding me and shaping me into who He wants me to be. He has used my life to be an instrument to show others what faith can do. And through all of this, Barry has been there. Our marriage is stronger than ever. We have had to go through more in the first 5 years of marriage than most couples do in a lifetime. And I love him more and in a new way today.
I will blog again soon about how God has answered OUR WISH, in a VERY special way.
Blessings.
Sarah
Tuesday, October 2, 2012
Hello!
By His Grace... That is why I am here today and for who I am today.
Welcome to my blog. :) This is a NEW experience for me!
Here I am. Thinking that maybe I can be a blogger in my "free time!" I am excited to share our story and highlights in our everyday life. I don't have the slightest clue as to how to work the blog yet, but am excited to learn. I plan to share our journey with creating our family, our plans to grow our family, our faith and hopes as a married couple, life as a mommy, recipe ideas, and anything else that may seem appropriate and interesting. I feel like our story is unique and beautiful and am hoping to use this blog as a "book" to be read by others who may be facing the same situation or know of someone who is.
Blessings.
Sarah
Welcome to my blog. :) This is a NEW experience for me!
Here I am. Thinking that maybe I can be a blogger in my "free time!" I am excited to share our story and highlights in our everyday life. I don't have the slightest clue as to how to work the blog yet, but am excited to learn. I plan to share our journey with creating our family, our plans to grow our family, our faith and hopes as a married couple, life as a mommy, recipe ideas, and anything else that may seem appropriate and interesting. I feel like our story is unique and beautiful and am hoping to use this blog as a "book" to be read by others who may be facing the same situation or know of someone who is.
Blessings.
Sarah
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